Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1120
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
His view of the world is one that keeps his blood pressure low, sweeping the cholesterol from his relaxed, freeway-sized arteries. Everyone knows he is going to live till age ninety, although the question that goes begging is, "for what?"
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...
Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads "Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth." That would be awesome.
The country can't get well if the people are sick. And the people are sick.
The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.
The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.
A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."
Fang can’t stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.
You might be a redneck if your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.
As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.
Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.