Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1120
Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.
We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.
On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.
I like to read the Bible in really public places, like on the subway... and just mutter things to myself like "Oh, bullshit!"
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.
I remember white dudes used to come down to the whorehouse. “Do you have any girls who cover you with ice cream?... And little boys to lick it off?” He was the mayor.
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."