Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1120
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
You might be a redneck if your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you comfortable?” The guys says, “I make a good living.”
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.
But let me ask you this though, first and foremost: who's your favorite Spice Girl? Mine is Sporty Spice and I'll tell you why. You know what? She might not be as aesthetically pleasant as the rest but she'll do a backflip and steal your heart.
My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.
I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That’s probably how David knows that there’s a World Cup coming up.
I couldn’t have invented crisps. [...] I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps. [...] I invented apples. [...] I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil.
There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."
The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.
I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.