Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1122

Send her a quick note while you`re stuck in a long meeting. A lighthearted chat definitely makes the time go faster.

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look... twins!

I went one time. It wasn't voluntary; it was pretty much court ordered. But I thought I could give back to the AA community, you know, see all those single hottie men there. I could be like a sponsor. Have them call me at two in the morning, and be like, 'I want to have a drink.' I'll be like, 'I have one! Come over!'

Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.

Again, America is a stupid country with stupid people who don’t pay attention.

I think there is too much wrong with the world to ever get too relaxed and happy. The more natural state, and the better one, I think, is one of some anxiety and tension over man`s plight in this mysterious universe.

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.