Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1122

Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"

My book editor asked me if I wanted an extension and I told him, it's okay, I'm happy with the length of my penis.

You look like a horse in a man costume

Perhaps your palate isn’t sophisticated enough to understand my brand of humor.

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting the quill back in the goose.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you're one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?

Everyone I love I pay.

Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: don't stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people.

If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

I immediately went out and bought a book on anger management. And now I have that book, and I don't know if I'll get to the book. But I'm certainly excited about the day where I can't find the book, and I get to say, 'Where the hell is my anger management book?!'

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

Let's be honest, this is a consumer based economy in America. That's all we manufacture here is need and appetite. We are the world's mouth. They make things in other countries, and they're like, 'Send it to America; they'll eat it.'

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.

Send her a quick note while you`re stuck in a long meeting. A lighthearted chat definitely makes the time go faster.

My life is the sum of other peoples' experiences.