Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1122

No means yes in grasshopper language.

I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.

That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.

He plays just like a union man. He negotiates the final score.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we've gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.

"The times they are a changin" mostly for those who need it least.

And I was like, “Um, yeah, I am.” I have no idea why though. I had nothing to do with that movie. It’s just some people that kind of look like me are in this movie that everyone loves and winning Oscars and stuff.”

I'm Bill Hicks, and I'm dead now, 'cause I smoked cigarrettes... cigarrettes didn't kill me, a bucnh of non-smokers kicked the living shit out of me one night.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Superheroes. Because we needed something to make regular heroes feel shitty.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.