Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1122
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.
On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? "Give me your cell number."
You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we've gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.
I like to read the Bible in really public places, like on the subway... and just mutter things to myself like "Oh, bullshit!"
It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.
Well thank you, I can hardly say I'm an 'eloquent' writer, it's like a third grade reading level.
There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking... And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.