Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1123
I don’t know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I’m not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.
Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted "Bingo!" counted as a yea or a nay.
I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got my number, but I, ever so stupidly, and obviously thought it was one of my mates mocking about. So I was like, "Yeah, whatever." And it was him, but I even went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent!"
Remember the good old days when "smuggling an underwear bomb" meant walking around with shit in your pants?
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?
I'm here for a friend. I brought a couple of boxes of chocolate Jell-O.
I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author.
School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic - I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit.
I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.
Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.
There’s nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.