Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1123

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: "If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus."

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

I think; therefore I worry.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’

Do you feel insecure because you keep getting the nagging feeling that you're not that smart? Well, I've got good news for you, my friend. You have no need to be insecure. That nagging feeling is absolutely right on target. You are not that smart. But I have more good news for you. You are also not alone.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move."

I don't have a brother in real life.

I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.

Do men who have plastic surgery want to look like a ventriloquist dummy under water, or does it just come out that way?

My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”