Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1123

I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.

Just for the record my Arab friends, i dont do any Arab jokes in my act. Its not that i dont think you are funny. It's just .. I dont know, i dont wanna..... die?

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

I purposefully studied ventriloquism so I can throw my orgasm - which was sort of a sad moment in my life.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

My friend said, 'Try lamb skin. They're really thin. Lamb skin condoms, they're good.' And they are. What he didn't tell me was that right when you begin to conduct business, the whole room smells like a gyro. We were doing our thing. She said, 'What's that?' I said, 'I don't know, but I'm getting hungry.'

They say you just stand over there, he'll say thank you and you walk back off and that's what I thought was gonna happen, but in my head, I had for five or six years known that he was gonna call me over.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

It's the time of year when Canadians mate.

"Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?"

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Don't cross Lorenzo Lamas. Ever.

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you’ll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn’t easy, but I try - you’ll be just as far ahead as if you’d spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.