Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1129
Sometimes, when you get a girl pregnant, you blame the condom. His condom broke that night.
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
The TV season is a year-long thing now, and the networks are starting to look at it that way, thanks to cable, satellites, and competition.
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting "Hey, you!" at airplanes.
I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. A lot of people get to this level and they're like, "Now I do four cities in one week" and they tour nonstop. I'm like, "No, that sounds miserable. I'll just do two weekends a month." But whenever I'm in some awful place geographically, it's no longer that awful, because you've got the Internet and television.
The Founding Fathers were more deists. If you had to categorize them as anything. There was some sort of moving prime force. But it's an impersonal force. Some people call it Nature. Certainly not this personal god who you have a personal relationship with, who listens to your prayers and answers them, or doesn't. You know, not the silly stuff that most Americans believe because we're such a dumb nation.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
[America is] simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra.
Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long, we’re like Oprah and Gale. Only we’re not denying anything.