Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1129
Two words no woman should ever have to hear: Triple Mastectomy.
Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
[After reading an article on Miles for Kids in an inflight journal] What [President of the Airline] is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids... But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate?
I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.
Everyone in my school knew one thing. Nobody fucked with the deaf kids because deaf kids are strong as shit. They have the strength of 14 gorillas. One of my friends got into a fight with a deaf kid and the deaf kid beat 37 kinds of shit into my friend. He kept bashing him. I dont know if he couldnt hear the sound of the beating but he went berserk. I dont know if he was lip reading wrong. My friend was like "Stop. OW!" "*deaf kid accent* Stop telling me Fuck Off!"
A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?