Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1129
Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!
[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.
They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.
The only way a no-legged leopard could hurt you is if it fell out of a tree onto your head.
I knew she was Nigerian because everytime she looked at me and was like "I don't know what to order" Well look at the menu!
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name… and you’ve never been to that bar before.
My friend said, 'Try lamb skin. They're really thin. Lamb skin condoms, they're good.' And they are. What he didn't tell me was that right when you begin to conduct business, the whole room smells like a gyro. We were doing our thing. She said, 'What's that?' I said, 'I don't know, but I'm getting hungry.'
History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.
"I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin."
When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face [A-Team]. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him.
My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”