Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1129
Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.
You might be a redneck if you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."
I was like, 'Have you all heard me talk?' You know, nobody's making Seinfeld live in Indiana.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting "Hey, you!" at airplanes.
One little boy turned to the kid next to him, and he said, 'I hate you.' And this kid was devastated. He started crying those only tears you can cry as a child. He was saying, 'I don't know why you hate me; I don't know what I have done to make you hate me.' And then softy, so quietly you had to strain to hear it, he said, 'Fuck.' And the first boy heard him and said, 'Hold On. Do you swear?' And he said yes, and they were friends again. Don't tell me swearing it wrong. I have seen it's healing properties.
I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"
It would be nice if people said, "God bless you" not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.
Everyone I know with a kid says, "you gotta try it"... It's not a joint. I can't just put it out in an ash tray when I'm done.
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
I don't necessarily think of it as Southern comedy. I just think I'm a comedian and I have a Southern accent.