Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1130

So, do you live around here often?

"As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye."

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

It's the perfect joke. Just hearing out loud descriptions of giddy shit-covered incest. And other poems by Maya Angelou.

If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, "clack clack" (miming a pump-action shotgun) stop me!

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

How can there be self-help groups?

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

You might be a redneck if there is a wasp nest in your living room.

A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

At the moment it's just a Notion, but with a bit of backing I think I could turn it into Concept, and then an Idea.

I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.