Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1130

They call me a role model \ <br /> Even though my hand’s glued to that gin bottle

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

My book editor asked me if I wanted an extension and I told him, it's okay, I'm happy with the length of my penis.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

Something tells me that Mitt Romney’s sex face is the same as his regular face.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.

You might be a redneck if your wife's hairdo attracts bees.

It's a historical thing, up to the 19th century the English hated the French. Then in the 20th century the English started to hate the Germans - as we began to move alphabetically through the map of the world. Now, the year 2000, we are fine with the Germans… but the Hungarians are pissing us off.

At the moment it's just a Notion, but with a bit of backing I think I could turn it into Concept, and then an Idea.

You might be a redneck if you own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

He doesn't understand the subtleties of slights and pains, that it is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.