Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1130
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
I don't necessarily think of it as Southern comedy. I just think I'm a comedian and I have a Southern accent.
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
[After reading an article on Miles for Kids in an inflight journal] What [President of the Airline] is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids... But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate?
We made love, and I thought she had an orgasm. I said, 'Well, did you have an orgasm?' She said, 'Yeah, but I was hoping for a series.'
I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
My friend said, 'Try lamb skin. They're really thin. Lamb skin condoms, they're good.' And they are. What he didn't tell me was that right when you begin to conduct business, the whole room smells like a gyro. We were doing our thing. She said, 'What's that?' I said, 'I don't know, but I'm getting hungry.'
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.
Everyone in my school knew one thing. Nobody fucked with the deaf kids because deaf kids are strong as shit. They have the strength of 14 gorillas. One of my friends got into a fight with a deaf kid and the deaf kid beat 37 kinds of shit into my friend. He kept bashing him. I dont know if he couldnt hear the sound of the beating but he went berserk. I dont know if he was lip reading wrong. My friend was like "Stop. OW!" "*deaf kid accent* Stop telling me Fuck Off!"
Norm MacDonald. Norm, you're the funniest man I know. Because these are the other people that I know.
If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.