Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1130

"There must be a way to get more of these in me faster," thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

The careers teacher told me I had a clear choice: if I didn't end up going to university I'd end up robbing post offices.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

You look like a horse in a man costume

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.

My nitemares are so hip I go to bed eating popcorn.

On the song 'Funk Soul Brother': "If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls."

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.