Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1131

This is how youre supposed to feel every day. This is what I should have felt like my whole life! I always thought I was going to die before I was 60. My father died of a heart attack in his 40s. Im not an idiot. The writing was on the wall.

There's this whole post-modern, nuevo beatnik, retro-bohemian thing going on, you know what I mean? You walk into some coffee shops, and it feels like you're an ex-patriot in Paris in the 20s. You're like, 'Hey, isn't that a young Ernest Hemingway over there? Yeah, I think it is! Hey, let's go have a look and see what he's writing... It's a Gap application.'

I feel bad for people who've never been addicted to anything. Cause they're the real losers. You wanna know why? Cause they don't know what it's like to really want something. And get it. Again and again and again, until they're sick and have to stop. That's passion.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, "on your face."

This is a great day for people who do what I do, this is a great day for talk-show hosts. Remember when Dick Cheney shot his lawyer in the face? It's like one of those days. It's like when Mel Gibson went crazy and blamed the Jewish people for everything, it's one of those days, it's fantastic.

It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".

It would be nice if people said, "God bless you" not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.

You never hear a woman say, 'Hey, lets go to balls.'

It cannot be easy being a Muslim in America at the moment.... For instance, there are some people in America that cannot tell the difference between Muslims -- of which there are hundreds of millions -- and terrorists. Now, just think for a second about quite how offensive that is. That's like if the Muslim world could not differentiate between American people and professional baseball players.

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

You'll notice that Bush never speaks when Cheiney is drinking water, check that shit out.

Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but...

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.