Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1131

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

[about her half-black boyfriend] I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.

Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.

Full House gave me Tourette's. We would be on the set, and, action! "Okay, Michelle, you can't have a horse in the house." and, cut! "Cock shit fuck!"

It's the perfect joke. Just hearing out loud descriptions of giddy shit-covered incest. And other poems by Maya Angelou.

Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

"Can you spare some change?" is never a good pick up line.

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.

Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.