Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1131
Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.
I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there’s a party. "Settle down. It’s not a party. It’s just balloons."
Everybody I’ve ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. Every woman in here got intimidated by a guy, pushed around too much, now you’re new boyfriend tickles you a little too hard, boom restraining order. Every guy here had a woman sleep with his best friend, now your new girlfriend hugs your cousin a little long, boom car bomb.
I was sitting next to a young couple with a baby on the plane and I was making the baby laugh the entire flight. Do you know what babies love? Ethnic jokes.
Two words no woman should ever have to hear: Triple Mastectomy.
MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.