Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1146
Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.
I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."
Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.
No one has ever said to me ‘go home and make a baby.’ I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
You might be a redneck if you consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Apparently they're going to bring in Super Asbos. But Asbos already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges.
I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.