Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1146

When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face [A-Team]. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him.

I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head.

I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

I people-please everyone but myself.

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.

I change the situation like I’m auditioning for Jersey Shore.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

The more you want the less you get.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.