Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1146

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

My father has a high opinion of his opinion.

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."

Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair... and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.

[during a bit about dogs]<br /> That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion... but it won't get much sleep.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

You might be a redneck if your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

That's what's so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"