Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1147
I got my hair highlighted because I felt that some strands were more important than others.
Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.
On the song 'Funk Soul Brother': "If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls."
I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.
Big time, ... I’m always ready for TV. I don’t have to edit my jokes — when you work clean, you can work anywhere.
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.
Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.
I'm also concerned about reincarnation because if I was hexed and came back as myself I'd kill myself.
I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.
When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken.
I know a whole generation has been raised on the notion of multiculturalism; that all civilizations are just different. No! Not always. Sometimes things are better! Rule of law is better than autocracy and theocracy; equality of the sexes, better; protection of minorities, better; free speech, better; free elections, better; free appliances with large purchases, better! Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.