Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1147

Nice to be here. I had a good day today I went to a movie. Before the movie now they show you that presentation where they explain that you shouldn't download movies on the Internet because you're hurting all the people that work on them. They need to feed their families so you shouldn't download the movies. And I saw this and I thought, "Wow, I had no idea. I didn't know you could download movies on the Internet... I don't care about those people."

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."

I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is.

Once I started to look i finally began to see.

Engrave this Quote Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.

If you've ever seen a vagina close up... it looks like an alien's gonna hop out and attach itself to your face and lay eggs in your mouth.

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

I am much more comfortable in someone else's skin.

Mick Jagger fucks young girls for a reason. He can. Believe me, plumbers his age would do the same thing if they could. Men are only as loyal as their options.

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

A cop just pulled me over and told me to stop blaming my childhood.

I go onstage, it's like I'm leading you into battle. You're not all going to be here at the end.

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.

I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.