Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1147
I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.
A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.
Live every day as if it were your last. Then, the next day, pretend you're a ghost!
Every group is racist. White folks will see a group of Indian people and they’re like, “Look at all those brown people, they’re probably all very happy together.” Then you get in that group and like, “Hey, you from India? I’m from India. What part? No, not that part. Go to hell you dirty bastard.”
Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.
Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
A lot of the struggle I had with movies is I really loved moments and tones and feelings in a scene, and I loved creating those, but I never really had great stories to string them together.
[If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] What is Stephen Hawking's personal best for the London marathon?
'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!
Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don’t apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn ‘em and share ‘em. Then come to the show.