Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1147
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads "Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth." That would be awesome.
People are evacuating every day, right? Evacuating used to be a big deal. Now, it's like jury duty. Like, 'Great, gotta evacuate. You gonna go?' 'Nah, I'll see if I can get out of it.'
They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
[On George W. Bush] He does have that weird mixture of born again Christian and stupid that some people mistake for courage and focus.
Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.
I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
I don’t feel those limits when I’m on stage. For some reason, audiences let me get away with things. Remember, it’s all comedy. Words. Thoughts. All thoughts are safe and worth exploring.
I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles.
No one has ever said to me ‘go home and make a baby.’ I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.