Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1148

You might be a redneck if the rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.

I have ditched every resentment in my life except that tricky one against myself.

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

The only thing I know about Africa is that it’s far, far away. A thirty-five-hour flight. Imagine the boat ride. The boat ride’s so long, there are still slaves on their way here.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.

One of the coolest things about the word "boobs" is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

Writer’s block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

Do they give Pulitzers for tweets yet?

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

It's low self-esteem. I understand; I was brought up with it. I go on the road - when I do concerts, I bring a portable Wailing Wall. I'm always prepared.