Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1148

No one has ever said to me ‘go home and make a baby.’ I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.

You might be a redneck if you participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?

This pope was born on the 16th of April, making him an Aries, compatible with both Sagittarius and Leo. But, of course, Jesus was famously a Capricorn, meaning that this pope is incompatible with Jesus. Not my findings, the findings of science. Don't get angry with me, Catholics. Go get angry with Galileo. Oh, you already did.

You might be a redneck if you consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of "show farting" out of the equation.

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

New Rule: Stop whining about the French. It takes a lot of guts to stand up to the Bush administration and that's more than I can say about the Democrats!

I go onstage, it's like I'm leading you into battle. You're not all going to be here at the end.

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: "If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus."

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.