Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1148

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

My father has a high opinion of his opinion.

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea...

It's a book. It's mine. And it's done.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

[taking a vacation with his family in Costa Rica]<br /> I go "what is it?" And she goes "we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!" Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in the water? "No, that's the best part! We're in the water with the sharks!" And I go "have you lost your mind???"

You young people with your twittering and your creating of content. Or what is it - queefing? I don't know what you young people are calling it.

I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.

The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.

Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.

Something tells me that Mitt Romney’s sex face is the same as his regular face.

To a heckler: "I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight."

The average permanent lasts about four months.

This is how youre supposed to feel every day. This is what I should have felt like my whole life! I always thought I was going to die before I was 60. My father died of a heart attack in his 40s. Im not an idiot. The writing was on the wall.