Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1148

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. "You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!"

I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved..

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo.

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

"Anything is possible if you believe in yourself," said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."

I change the situation like I’m auditioning for Jersey Shore.

I just fired my shrink. She called me the "Every-Mess."

[during a bit about dogs]<br /> That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion... but it won't get much sleep.

Being sober for 18 years, now when I take prescribed medicine I pray for hip, side effects.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.