Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1149

This is how youre supposed to feel every day. This is what I should have felt like my whole life! I always thought I was going to die before I was 60. My father died of a heart attack in his 40s. Im not an idiot. The writing was on the wall.

[On George W. Bush] He does have that weird mixture of born again Christian and stupid that some people mistake for courage and focus.

We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.

I know a whole generation has been raised on the notion of multiculturalism; that all civilizations are just different. No! Not always. Sometimes things are better! Rule of law is better than autocracy and theocracy; equality of the sexes, better; protection of minorities, better; free speech, better; free elections, better; free appliances with large purchases, better! Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

She just gave blood and she's still got enough to fill up her face.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.

You can’t be a rational person six days a week and on one day of the week, go to a building, and think you are drinking the blood of a two thousand year old space god. That doesn’t make you a person of faith, that makes you a schizophrenic.

It`s true I had a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light.

If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.

The acid I did in my twenties alone: I don't want to see the kind of baby this sperm is waiting to create.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.