Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1149

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

The more you want the less you get.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

That's what's so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.

Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”

A lot of debate about the war lately. Democrats saying pull out. Republicans saying finish the job. It's like the angel and devil on my shoulders during sex -- maybe I really am a Republican?

Nice to be here. I had a good day today I went to a movie. Before the movie now they show you that presentation where they explain that you shouldn't download movies on the Internet because you're hurting all the people that work on them. They need to feed their families so you shouldn't download the movies. And I saw this and I thought, "Wow, I had no idea. I didn't know you could download movies on the Internet... I don't care about those people."

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."