Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1149
A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."
Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: "If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus."
Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.
You got kids, and you want to pre-board an airplane? No. Fuck you. You wait till last. You're the problem. Let the homo pre-board.
A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.
Every group is racist. White folks will see a group of Indian people and they’re like, “Look at all those brown people, they’re probably all very happy together.” Then you get in that group and like, “Hey, you from India? I’m from India. What part? No, not that part. Go to hell you dirty bastard.”
It's low self-esteem. I understand; I was brought up with it. I go on the road - when I do concerts, I bring a portable Wailing Wall. I'm always prepared.
Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That’s where you find your voice.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.
Our egos tells us we're the only ones that have any kind of feelings. We're the only ones with a relationship. We're the only ones with family. You know, I think that if you kill a spider, there is a relationship that you're ruining. There's a conversation going on outside with the other spiders. 'Did you hear about Chris?.... Killed yeah... .Sneaker. And now Stephanie has nine hundred babies to raise all alone. Well, she's got her legs full I'll tell you that right now. Chris was so kind, wouldn't hurt a fly. It's just been tough for them lately. They just lost their web last week. Those humans think they're so smart. Let them try shooting silk out of their butt and see what they can make.
You're 16 years old, you don't know shit about shit, and PULL UP YOU'RE PANTS!!!