Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1149
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author.
That's what's so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.
Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”
A lot of debate about the war lately. Democrats saying pull out. Republicans saying finish the job. It's like the angel and devil on my shoulders during sex -- maybe I really am a Republican?
Nice to be here. I had a good day today I went to a movie. Before the movie now they show you that presentation where they explain that you shouldn't download movies on the Internet because you're hurting all the people that work on them. They need to feed their families so you shouldn't download the movies. And I saw this and I thought, "Wow, I had no idea. I didn't know you could download movies on the Internet... I don't care about those people."
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."
The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.
I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, "that poor woman."