Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1149
We get into bed, and she says, 'You're not going to use your penis, are you?'
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
You might be a redneck if you use a radiator hose to fix your kitchen sink.
Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.
Being sober for 18 years, now when I take prescribed medicine I pray for hip, side effects.
If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.
You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it’s still a negative. You’re just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.
Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"
To a heckler: "I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight."
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
You have to be really tenacious. You have to keep at it. There are many roads to get there. If you can get yourself into Harvard, that’s a good way to go, because every Harvard graduating class, the agencies come trolling around and they’ll look for you. So if you go to Harvard, you’ll get found there.