Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1150

I am much more comfortable in someone else's skin.

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

Well, I think "likability" is an overused word. I don’t watch people 'cause I like them; I watch them because they’re compelling. Sympathetic is a little different. Likable just thins you out. Working to make a character likable is what kills most TV shows.

Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?

This pope was born on the 16th of April, making him an Aries, compatible with both Sagittarius and Leo. But, of course, Jesus was famously a Capricorn, meaning that this pope is incompatible with Jesus. Not my findings, the findings of science. Don't get angry with me, Catholics. Go get angry with Galileo. Oh, you already did.

My nightmares have coming attractions.

We’re looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long, we’re like Oprah and Gale. Only we’re not denying anything.

I go onstage, it's like I'm leading you into battle. You're not all going to be here at the end.

I've had some bad shows where I just sucked, but I've had some assholes, too. Some guy stood up Saturday night and said 'This is the same shit you've been peddling the last five times you've been here.' That's your biggest fear: someone who knows every word you've ever said.

If you go down as a comedian's comedian, that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay.