Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1150

I wanted to be a rock star.

I go onstage, it's like I'm leading you into battle. You're not all going to be here at the end.

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.

No one smart is having a toilet baby. It’s never like ‘Darling you’ll never guess what has come out of my vagina’

Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!

I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don't think they know what they're doing. When you see who wins those things - or who doesn't win them - you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.

There was a big study in Boston, Harvard, a big medical test. Rats would rather starve than not do a Quayle joke.

There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.

The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie "Argo." They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can’t do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie "Shrek."

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" till the day I die.

I don't have a brother in real life.

I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.

Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.

I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.