Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1150

Because you think an explosion has taken place and you're looking at the shards and you say, 'Well, can we put this back together?' And by God, maybe you can put it back together. And maybe it won't be the same, but maybe it will be different, and maybe it can even be better in a different way.

"There must be a way to get more of these in me faster," thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

The secret to a happy life is to have zero expectations and try to not trust prop comics.

First of all, I'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.

You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

Big time, ... I’m always ready for TV. I don’t have to edit my jokes — when you work clean, you can work anywhere.

I used to say that there were Five Levels of Fatness. Reason why I say "Used to say" is because now there are six! Uh-huh, I met the new one in Las Crucas. The original five levels are Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and DAMN! People ask, "What could be bigger than DAMN!" The new level's called "OH HELL NO!" What's the difference? You're still willing to work with level five. Example, if you're on an elevator and you're with your friend and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other and you're like, "DAAAMN!" But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That's the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator, [Deep groaning noise] [Pretends to be a shocked passenger and starts pushing the "close door" button.] "OH HELL NO!" [Groan] "NO!!" [Groan]"NO!!" [Pretends to kick the fat man out] That's the difference.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

I'm not completely sure we aren't all living in a hallucination now.