Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1151
Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
He's the badass of the group - like if they get into some kind of Scooby-Doo scrape, he's the one that's gonna get them out.
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.
People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!
You kinda wish a girl would bleed a little bit from the head during that time so you know before you approach her at the bar.
Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
I enjoy fame except when I'm with my daughter. Kids stop me all the time and I don't want her to be jealous of the attention. Also, sometimes I just want to be left alone and I refuse to make rubber faces. That's when they start asking, "What's the matter, man, don't you like your job?" I say, "Yeah, I like my job. But I also like having sex, and I'm not going to do that in front of you either."
Throwing up is natures way of saying you need to re-examine your idea of a "good time".