Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1151

We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag …? "No..." "Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!"

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

There’s only one joke that I do in England that doesn’t work in the States. It goes: ‘There was no place to eat last night, so I went to a kebab shop and had a doner. Which my body rejected.’ But you don’t get doners in America. They don’t exist.

I knew she was Nigerian because everytime she looked at me and was like "I don't know what to order" Well look at the menu!

A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.

You might be a redneck if your best ashtray is a turtle shell.

I wanted to be a veterinarian for about a week of my life when I was a kid. But I found out about the whole euthanasia thing and I said, "I can't commit to that, sorry!"

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

If I keep all my disorders to a minimum every day then by about 2053 I should have a handle on practically nothing.

Don't count on others to care about you more than you do about yourself or you'll probably run away with the circus and hide forever.

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.

I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.