Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1151
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
I don't like the negative of reality tv - the "you're no good, so you have to leave, I choose you, but I thought you really loved me". It's all about how bad people are and I just hate that. I like Pimp my Ride where someone is helping somebody.
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, "Somewhere out there, there's clown semen."
Live every day as if it were your last. Then, the next day, pretend you're a ghost!
Ending a sentence with "yo", is like saying, "I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever." Know what I mean yo?
You might be a redneck if you've ever bought lingerie at a yard sale.
A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."
To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.
I’m just funnier when I’m drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.
We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. "You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!"
We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.
I don’t know much about the Supreme Court. If it’s anything like the Supreme Taco, it’s like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.