Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1156

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

I washed mud off of mud.

Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.

I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.

You might be a redneck if you were shooting pool when your kids were born.

I feel bad for people who've never been addicted to anything. Cause they're the real losers. You wanna know why? Cause they don't know what it's like to really want something. And get it. Again and again and again, until they're sick and have to stop. That's passion.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."

Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.