Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1156

Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

I feel bad for people who've never been addicted to anything. Cause they're the real losers. You wanna know why? Cause they don't know what it's like to really want something. And get it. Again and again and again, until they're sick and have to stop. That's passion.

I'm not completely sure we aren't all living in a hallucination now.

Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

I refuse to feel guilty. I feel guilty about too much in my life but not about money. I went through periods when I had nothing, so somebody in my family has to get stinkin' wealthy.

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

If you feel comfortable in your own skin it's not yours.

I've tried everything. I've done therapy, I've done colonics. I went to a psychic who had me running around town buying pieces of ribbon to fill the colors in my aura. Did the Prozac thing.

Once I posed naked for a magazine, but it was very demeaning, and I've never been back to that newsstand.