Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1156
When you hit rock bottom, you've got to go to AA. They make it sound so dirty. Please, I've hit rock bottom dozens of times. I've woken up next to a billy goat. You don't just give up.
Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I was sitting next to a young couple with a baby on the plane and I was making the baby laugh the entire flight. Do you know what babies love? Ethnic jokes.
Any time you can match up anatomically to anything in a smut shop it makes you feel pretty proud.
Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.
I talked to Larry the Cable Guy the other day. Larry's made more money than 10 people should ever make in a lifetime. He was excited because he'd gone over to the livestock auction and bought 20 new feeder pigs.
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.
This woman came up to me at the book signing. She had the biggest butt I have ever seen in my life. And you've seen these kind of people. They're like, from the waist up, they're built kind of normally. And then from the waist down, it's like an explosion took place.
Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.
If I'm on the toilet for more than two minutes, I take Dramamine. That's how nauseous I get.