Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1155

If you hug someone goodbye and their response is "what the hell are you doing?" - you may want to examine you're definition of close friend.

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.

Oh, Captain Clever! Rattle it, if it doesn't go off it can't be a bomb!

If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.

You can’t teach an old hater new truths.

Sometimes, when you get a girl pregnant, you blame the condom. His condom broke that night.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I've played some strange rounds of golf in my travels. One course in Alaska was hacked out of the wilderness. My caddy was a moose. Every time I reached for a club he thought I was trying to steal his antlers.

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I washed mud off of mud.

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.

Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.