Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1155

The more you want the less you get.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

You might be a redneck if you've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.

Whenever I walk people try and hand me a flyer. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.

You might be a redneck if you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

What year did Jesus think it was?

There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking... And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.