Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1155
A lot of the struggle I had with movies is I really loved moments and tones and feelings in a scene, and I loved creating those, but I never really had great stories to string them together.
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea...
Don't count on others to care about you more than you do about yourself or you'll probably run away with the circus and hide forever.
I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die.
I recently read an interview in Rolling Stone, where he advocated that people should not do drugs, KEITH RICHARDS said that we should not do drugs. Keith, we can't do anymore drugs, BECAUSE YOU ALREADY FUCKIN' DID THEM ALL! There's none left, we have to wait until you die so we can smoke you're ashes, alright!
There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
You might be a redneck if you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
A guy recently came up to me and said, "Bob, you are the shit." I said "Thank you for adding the word 'the.'"
The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.
Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.