Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1155

When I’m with you I feel 3 pounds lighter. Probably because you bore the shit out of me... And I had a big lunch.

"Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family."

My friend said to me, "You're unreal - you'd fuck anything with a pulse!" A pulse? I'm not that fussy!

A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: "This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye."

We get into bed, and she says, 'You're not going to use your penis, are you?'

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

I people-please everyone but myself.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

When John and Yoko promoted. "Give Peace a Chance" my folks sadly thought they just meant our family.

You always think another time would have been ideal for you... the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

My shrink is bored and insists that I create and blame my darkness on another family.

I’m not giving up on life. I’m giving up on today.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.