Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1157
He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.
I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
This woman came up to me at the book signing. She had the biggest butt I have ever seen in my life. And you've seen these kind of people. They're like, from the waist up, they're built kind of normally. And then from the waist down, it's like an explosion took place.
A president can be unpopular for good reasons. You know, I'm not always on the side that the people are right, for God's sake. But, you know, he's not popular when he goes overseas. He couldn't go to Rosa Parks' funeral.
There was a big study in Boston, Harvard, a big medical test. Rats would rather starve than not do a Quayle joke.
There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.
My ex-wife claimed she was violated. Knowing my ex-wife, it wasn’t a moving violation.
You might be a redneck if you’ve got more than three cousins named "Bubba."
"Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family."
I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.
As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.
I wanted to be a veterinarian for about a week of my life when I was a kid. But I found out about the whole euthanasia thing and I said, "I can't commit to that, sorry!"