Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1157
The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I'm on my game.
A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."
Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.
I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.
I enjoy fame except when I'm with my daughter. Kids stop me all the time and I don't want her to be jealous of the attention. Also, sometimes I just want to be left alone and I refuse to make rubber faces. That's when they start asking, "What's the matter, man, don't you like your job?" I say, "Yeah, I like my job. But I also like having sex, and I'm not going to do that in front of you either."
The Bush Administration is always saying, "We don't hear the good news." Yeah, because the journalists are saying, "Cover me, I'm going to the ice machine."
There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... I like to live on the edge...
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young”.<br /> I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
I'm 38 and could very much bare my midriff, but it may make some people nauseous.
The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.