Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1157

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

My shrink told me I had an out-of-family experience when I was growing up.

You might be a redneck if you've ever bought lingerie at a yard sale.

I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall all the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

You might be a redneck if your wife's hairdo attracts bees.