Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1157

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

In my life, I have driven some crappy vehicles. But I have never been so desperate for a vehicle that I wanted a used rental car.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

I get intimacy booster shots once a week at my doctor.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, "Somewhere out there, there's clown semen."

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

My ex-wife claimed she was violated. Knowing my ex-wife, it wasn’t a moving violation.

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

My friend said to me, "You're unreal - you'd fuck anything with a pulse!" A pulse? I'm not that fussy!