Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1158

I have lowered my expectations, sexually. I don't care what happens in bed anymore as long as I don't make any grammatical errors.

When in doubt about who's to blame, blame the English.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

My father has a high opinion of his opinion.

You know who has a tiny vagina? Barbie. Not Klaus Barbie, the infamous Nazi.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

If you hug someone goodbye and their response is "what the hell are you doing?" - you may want to examine you're definition of close friend.

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.

Got married again and I went on the Internet to see how happy everyone was for me. Fucking hell, it was awful. One woman... she said, 'Married again, eh? She's a user and he's a pervert.' And I'm like, 'How do they know us?'

I used to hate these haters, now its just the opposite

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".