Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1158

I like to think of murder-suicide as "extreme multitasking".

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know.

When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.

Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. "Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard".

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

I really don't require a whole lot in life.

Big time, ... I’m always ready for TV. I don’t have to edit my jokes — when you work clean, you can work anywhere.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, "Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot."

I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.

Don't take death for granted.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.