Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1158
I'm 38 and could very much bare my midriff, but it may make some people nauseous.
The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.
"Anything is possible if you believe in yourself," said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.
The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
You might be a redneck if you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
You might be a redneck if you think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
I saw the family recently. Everybody's angry at me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. He goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'Shut up, Billy. You're gay.'
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.