Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1158

Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.

The speed of time is one second per second.

You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

Well thank you, I can hardly say I'm an 'eloquent' writer, it's like a third grade reading level.

Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.'

British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

You might be a redneck if you think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Canadian bacon isn't bacon. It's ham.

It's something that occurs to me many times in my movies. They can often be treated comically or dramatically, and I usually opt to treat them comically. But it occurred to me that you could get a story and you could fool around with it both ways.