Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1159

I've had, what, two years? Probably five good years. Before that I had twenty years of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All those things. That'll always outweigh the good times.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

I don't like little chip and pin machines. I don't like that they tell you what to do. 'Hand me back to the merchant!' like a bossy toddler.

Comics don't usually have very long careers, and I'm 22 years into this.

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

But don't you hate it, guys? You're at the beach and there's no place to change into your trunks. So you wrap a towel around yourself, so no-one sees your face.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I don’t really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I’ve been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn’t call that hanging out.

Writer’s block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

Silly things make you laugh and if they do, fuck it. I was on a train and we went through a place called Didcot Ladygrove. I was laughing already, but my friend topped it by going, “I’ll bet that’s what the Queen calls her vagina.”

You might be a redneck if you use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.