Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1159

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed'.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

Ke$ha IS the walk of shame.

My grandparents had a satellite dish. They were the first ones, like, in 1961. It was like a Jewish one: it picked up problems from other families.

Valentine’s Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.

For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't make things up. We just distill it to, hopefully, its most humorous nugget. And in that sense it seems faked and skewed just because we don't have to be subjective or pretend to be objective. We can just put it out there.

I can't wait for the next fad though, and I predict it's going to be Pennsylvania dutch culture, very Amish. It's going to be bonnets and butter churns.

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.

You might be a redneck if you've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what’s theirs, meet the people, because they’re really, really, bafoons.

Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.