Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1159

Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.

I saw the family recently. Everybody's angry at me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. He goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'Shut up, Billy. You're gay.'

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

My nitemares are so hip I go to bed eating popcorn.

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.