Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1159
My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.
You might be a redneck if the diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.
I'm also concerned about reincarnation because if I was hexed and came back as myself I'd kill myself.
Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.
What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.
It’s been a very old thing for people to gather together and laugh at stuff. The first comedian in America really was Abraham Lincoln. He used to go to a pub near where he lived and stand in front of the fire and he packed the place every night and he would just talk and bust everybody in their guts. He was just a hilarious speaker and that’s what he did.
Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off.
You might be a redneck if your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.