Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1171

Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.

Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.

I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, "Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot."

I don't want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that's tragic. Because I don't want her to get the chance to pick out what I'm going to wear for eternity.

Nice to be here. I had a good day today I went to a movie. Before the movie now they show you that presentation where they explain that you shouldn't download movies on the Internet because you're hurting all the people that work on them. They need to feed their families so you shouldn't download the movies. And I saw this and I thought, "Wow, I had no idea. I didn't know you could download movies on the Internet... I don't care about those people."

You might be a redneck if your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses.

And you know that family, every few months, for years, from time to time, whatever it is they're doing they would just stop, stop and look at each other and go... what the fuck did they take?

Two million people could die tonight and traffic would still suck in the morning. Stop spitting out the children.

You might be a redneck if someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.