Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1171

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.

But the one recurring motif in these [80s] videos that I wish would come back were the bands that could rock so hard, they could change the physical properties of things. They would blow holes through walls or they’d walk up to your crappy Geo and go - SCRIBBLY FLABBIDY DOO - and all of sudden it’s a sleek Lamborgini.

Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.