Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1171

You might be a redneck if you've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

I try to live in the moment but other people ruin it.

I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

Nice to be here. I had a good day today I went to a movie. Before the movie now they show you that presentation where they explain that you shouldn't download movies on the Internet because you're hurting all the people that work on them. They need to feed their families so you shouldn't download the movies. And I saw this and I thought, "Wow, I had no idea. I didn't know you could download movies on the Internet... I don't care about those people."

Once I started to look i finally began to see.

I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, "Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?" And I said, "Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?"

There’s nowhere I won’t go. As long as it’s horribly, horribly true and or wrong.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, "that poor woman."

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

I have ditched every resentment in my life except that tricky one against myself.

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.