Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1172

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

His motto is "Love thy neighbour". His neighbour is an 18 year old hooker.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

Comics don't usually have very long careers, and I'm 22 years into this.

A cop just pulled me over and told me to stop blaming my childhood.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is.

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

It's something that occurs to me many times in my movies. They can often be treated comically or dramatically, and I usually opt to treat them comically. But it occurred to me that you could get a story and you could fool around with it both ways.

If I'm on the toilet for more than two minutes, I take Dramamine. That's how nauseous I get.

You know, I've had Botox. The woman who does it is very good, obviously. Very conservative.

So I was watching this one show where - there's a guy on stage and he pretends he has contact with the dead and spirits talk to him...[Some people in the audience give suggestions, one of which is Crossing Over.] Crossing–...no, no, no, no, no, it was, uh, church. It was church.