Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1172

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is.

I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning.

You might be a redneck if the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.

Don’t be intimidated by my outfit, it’s Forever 21.

You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

You realize what level of misery you have to be experiencing to see my 10-speed tied to a pole and then just be like, 'Look at this rich bastard right here!'

You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. (any number) Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.

Be kind to one another.

You might be a redneck if your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.