Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1172
You might be a redneck if someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?
My shrink is so baffled she now blames her own childhood for my anxiety.
Nightmares are killing me so I'm going to sleep doing impressions.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!
You might be a redneck if your back porch is bigger than your house.
You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. (any number) Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
My nan used to look after me in the summer holidays and she had a cat with one eye. It used to walk into walls and tables. I used to think it was hilarious. It was a slapstick cat.
They flew me out in this plane that was only first class. It was all first class. It was the most psychotic thing I've ever seen in my life. The drinking that went on - it was like Mardi Gras. The nose of the plane started to develop red veins.
"Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no (h)arm in it' "
The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready.
I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I’m completely disconnected.