Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1172

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

If you think the French Riviera is foreign car, you might be a redneck.

If you feel comfortable in your own skin it's not yours.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.

In my life, I have driven some crappy vehicles. But I have never been so desperate for a vehicle that I wanted a used rental car.

I don’t really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I’ve been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn’t call that hanging out.

You might be a redneck if you got into a fistfight at your last yard sale.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.

"Man went into a bar. He went 'Ouch'. It was an iron bar."

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.

Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair... and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.

You might be a redneck if you list your parole officer as a reference.