Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1170
Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.
You might be a redneck if you've ever bought lingerie at a yard sale.
I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.
If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, "Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness".
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.
Wow! She is amazing. She is 25 years old and she's already accomplished everything she's going to accomplish in her life. It's mind blowing … have you seen Britney's kids? Oh my god, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see! They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of!
If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them.
If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are.
What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.
They have bits sliced off and tied up and sucked out. I want to say to them, ‘You lazy f—ing fat pig. Just go for a run and stop eating burgers. You might fucking die’.