Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1170
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
You know, I've had Botox. The woman who does it is very good, obviously. Very conservative.
You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie "Argo." They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can’t do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie "Shrek."
I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.
I can't wait for the next fad though, and I predict it's going to be Pennsylvania dutch culture, very Amish. It's going to be bonnets and butter churns.
You might be a redneck if you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
You might be a redneck if you fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
You might be a redneck if Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.
Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.