Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1170
For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.
When you bump into your own mom at an orgy, it's hard not to get her to read into certain things.
I don't necessarily think of it as Southern comedy. I just think I'm a comedian and I have a Southern accent.
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
So I was watching this one show where - there's a guy on stage and he pretends he has contact with the dead and spirits talk to him...[Some people in the audience give suggestions, one of which is Crossing Over.] Crossing–...no, no, no, no, no, it was, uh, church. It was church.
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
I'm very in love, but I'm not going to jump up and down on your couch. I'm sorry.
You might be a redneck if your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. (any number) Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.
Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.