Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1170

I had trouble with the last relationship. I got scared a little bit and had two Amish people come over who were friends of mine. They had an erection raising.

Writer’s block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

You might be a redneck if you got into a fistfight at your last yard sale.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved..

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

If you're keeping score at home, so far our war in Iraq has created a police state in that country and socialism in Spain. So, no democracies yet, but we're really getting close.

You always think another time would have been ideal for you... the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

My shrink is bored and insists that I create and blame my darkness on another family.

I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?

I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion... but it won't get much sleep.

Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.