Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1173

I’m the Forrest Gump of comedy.

All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.

You might be a redneck if momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.'

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic.

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.

There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.