Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1173
So I was watching this one show where - there's a guy on stage and he pretends he has contact with the dead and spirits talk to him...[Some people in the audience give suggestions, one of which is Crossing Over.] Crossing–...no, no, no, no, no, it was, uh, church. It was church.
You might be a redneck if somebody hollers "ho-down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
Humor is something men have to develop when they don’t have other skills to attract women. It’s a form of plumage that we’ve developed naturally as animals. Women don’t have to do that. You never hear a guy say, “Yeah, the first thing I want in a woman is that she’s gotta be funny.” Women aren’t funny as a rule. It’s just far more rare.
My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
The Americans want to build a big tower on the site of September the 11th. Freedom Tower they're going to call it but now apparently they're worried and they're looking at ways to try and make it terrorist proof. I think they should have just build a giant fucking mosque. No one is going to fly into that are they?! Or even better, a runway. How galling would it be to high-jack a plane, and then come in and make a fucking text book landing.
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
I don’t think I’d have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago [...] I’d have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land [...] With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
If you're keeping score at home, so far our war in Iraq has created a police state in that country and socialism in Spain. So, no democracies yet, but we're really getting close.