Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1173
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair... and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.
Remember the good old days when "smuggling an underwear bomb" meant walking around with shit in your pants?
Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.
I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.
As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal - in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.
Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.
I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.