Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1173
You might be a redneck if more than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.
They have bits sliced off and tied up and sucked out. I want to say to them, ‘You lazy f—ing fat pig. Just go for a run and stop eating burgers. You might fucking die’.
Or you'll get on your cell phone, which is really smart. "Oh I'm gonna be late!" That's fuckin smart: to drive with one of those fuckin things in your hand. It's bad enough that people are in supermarkets -- "Honey, I love you." FUCK YOU, okay? Shut-up! I'm trying to buy a tomato, okay, got it? I'm even carrying mine, this piece of shit. This is Sprint. [someone cheers] Oh.. FUCK SPRINT. okay? You work for those idiots, I need to talk to you. "Every call is crystal clear." Yeah, right: to yourself! You can hear you!
You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.
The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.
You might be a redneck if you can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.
My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."
We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.
I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, "Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?" And I said, "Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?"