Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1174

Two million people could die tonight and traffic would still suck in the morning. Stop spitting out the children.

Have a good night pals. I mean someone has to.

Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.

I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.

Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?

I'm best in bed sexually when I'm alone and especially during a quake.

France participates. Does anyone want to be France?

You might be a redneck if you participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

We’re looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.

You might be a redneck if you have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.