Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1174

I’m not giving up on life. I’m giving up on today.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

To me, comedy is a game.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

I’ve created an atmosphere where I’m a friend first, boss second. Probably entertainer third.

I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.

You might be a redneck if your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.

A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, "Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot."

I don't want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that's tragic. Because I don't want her to get the chance to pick out what I'm going to wear for eternity.

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

I'll take a vaction if I don't go.