Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1174
I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.
Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. "Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard".
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.
I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they’re saying.
I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, "Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?" And I said, "Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?"
Engrave this Quote Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.
A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."
You might be a redneck if you participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
One thing that I've always wanted to do ever since I was little. I've always want to be abducted by a UFO. Yeah, sometimes I just go hang out in the woods. I'm just waiting for that blue light... "Ahh!" That's how they suck you up by a beam of light, they suck you up by your chest, and that's not necessary. Throw a rope ladder down, I'll climb up, I'm interested. I'm here for you. Don't suck me up by my chest, that hurts. You're a hovering craft, why wouldn't I come in and poke around for a minute? It would be great to be abducted. What did you guy's do this weekend? "Dude, we got hammered, it was awesome." Ohh yeah? I was abducted. I was zipping around the galaxy.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.