Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1174

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, "on your face."

My uncles were all funny. My dad wasn’t funny, but my uncles were all funny. Now I go back and I like him better than them, they were manipulative funny.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

You might be a redneck if your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

Nothing says used car dealership like wacky inflatable tube men writhing about in the wind

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Isn't Bush the worst president ever? I mean, when his term is over, he has to walk back to Texas.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

After you do standup for for, like, five years, you're kind of screwed because you have no other skills. You can't get other jobs. It's like being in prison: you're not suitable for any other career.

You might be a redneck if you own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."