Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1183
America doesn't need libraries; you don’t need books here. There are plenty of books in the world, and plenty of people who've read them. It's not your area of expertise.... Stick to what you are truly great at -- TV.
We’re looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.
HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.
I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."
I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
I don’t really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I’ve been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn’t call that hanging out.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo.
I lost my virginity alone... at least that's what the chick told me.
I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.
We got completely lost driving in, and we asked the way, yeah, why is it that when you ask for directions you always get the village-fucking-idiot!