Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1183

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

I try to live in the moment but other people ruin it.

I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

Shut up... let me tell you, let me. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you're real. I don't have enough time in any day to think about you enough... I don't even think about women anymore. I think about you.

A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, "Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot."

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."