Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1183

I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.

I just don't trust any of it. Every time I read something about how there's been another ridiculous climb of the Dow Jones, there's a part of me that goes, “This can't be good.” None of this is real money. You know what I mean? It's not like there's actually more of anything. It's just ideas. When people are getting richer and richer but they're not actually producing anything, it can't end well.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Sometimes I just want to tell a story regardless of whether it fits what the show is saying. I’ve been in a lot of writing rooms where somebody says an idea and everyone’s dying, like laughing so they’re delirious. It’s like a black hole in a good way, everything starts to fall into it, you know what I mean.

HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.

The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.

I get intimacy booster shots once a week at my doctor.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angels gained a few pounds since we started going out.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.