Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1182
If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.
This woman came up to me at the book signing. She had the biggest butt I have ever seen in my life. And you've seen these kind of people. They're like, from the waist up, they're built kind of normally. And then from the waist down, it's like an explosion took place.
Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
You might be a redneck if the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.
You got kids, and you want to pre-board an airplane? No. Fuck you. You wait till last. You're the problem. Let the homo pre-board.
You realize what level of misery you have to be experiencing to see my 10-speed tied to a pole and then just be like, 'Look at this rich bastard right here!'
I don’t know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I’m not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.
I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.
A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.
And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.
You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.