Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1182

You might be a redneck if Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

You might be a redneck if motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.

I’m the Forrest Gump of comedy.

New York is baffling in the [sense that] it's a city that prides itself on being an absolute shit-hole. It's like — there's nothing good here, people are proud of that, they're happy, "Oh, it's overpriced, and it's overpopulated, and it stinks like piss, and comics! — comics film specials here!" And they all open with a joke about, "Yeah, you spend 8 thousand dollars a month for 9 square feet!" And you go, "Well, why do you fucking live here?" Why do people stay here?.. But unfortunately, this is where comedy works — where people are the most miserable. Like, I'd rather be filming a special on a beach in Costa Rica in a tiki bar right now, but they don't need comedians, they're already smiling, they're already happy — naturally! So that's why I'm doing a special here — cause it's the last fucking place I wanna be.

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.

Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... I come to you tonight amist a very important election between 2 very qualified candidates, the hot lady [Sarah Palin] and the Tiger Woods guy [Barack Obama] ...

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, "Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart."

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Shut up... let me tell you, let me. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you're real. I don't have enough time in any day to think about you enough... I don't even think about women anymore. I think about you.

Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.