Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1182
I’m very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, ‘how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors’. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
I had trouble with the last relationship. I got scared a little bit and had two Amish people come over who were friends of mine. They had an erection raising.
I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.
My friend said to me, "You're unreal - you'd fuck anything with a pulse!" A pulse? I'm not that fussy!
Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there’s a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”
The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
In the 80's we had high, high, waisted pants, that if they came up any higher they'd have to go up another size, if you know what I mean.
When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: "What the... Get your... I'll put a... Get out of my face!"