Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1182

I really don't require a whole lot in life.

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps. <br /> [ looks around] I'm fucked.

You might be a redneck if you can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they’re saying.

You might be a redneck if... your child's first words are 'Attention K-Mart shoppers!'

Engrave this Quote Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you're going to strike out.

George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people... <br /> George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!

Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?

America doesn't need libraries; you don’t need books here. There are plenty of books in the world, and plenty of people who've read them. It's not your area of expertise.... Stick to what you are truly great at -- TV.

We’re looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.

HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.