Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1192
I say live and let live. That’s my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take them outside and shoot the motherfucker.
Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
You might be a redneck if you can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You might be a redneck if your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.
When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore.
You might be a redneck if you have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.
Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?
I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.
I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'