Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1192

My uncle put his finger in my no-no!

Long story longer...

All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

You might be a redneck if momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.'

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know.

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.