Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1192

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

New York is baffling in the [sense that] it's a city that prides itself on being an absolute shit-hole. It's like — there's nothing good here, people are proud of that, they're happy, "Oh, it's overpriced, and it's overpopulated, and it stinks like piss, and comics! — comics film specials here!" And they all open with a joke about, "Yeah, you spend 8 thousand dollars a month for 9 square feet!" And you go, "Well, why do you fucking live here?" Why do people stay here?.. But unfortunately, this is where comedy works — where people are the most miserable. Like, I'd rather be filming a special on a beach in Costa Rica in a tiki bar right now, but they don't need comedians, they're already smiling, they're already happy — naturally! So that's why I'm doing a special here — cause it's the last fucking place I wanna be.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

You have to just marvel at the stun-gun absurdity of fighting to the death over what happens after you die.

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

Once I started to look i finally began to see.

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

You might be a redneck if you have a rag for a gas cap on a car that does run.

This book is just a collection of my drawings. I never really showed them to anybody but my wife, and she always laughed at them.

I graduated from Temple University. Physical education major with a child psychology minor. Which means if you ask me a question about a child’s behavior, I will tell you to tell the child to take a lap.