Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1192

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can’t tell, of course, because of the Botox.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

You can’t teach an old hater new truths.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I'm competitive at everything.

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

I can't be in two places at one time unless I'm alone.

Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read.

There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.

You might be a redneck if you participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. A lot of people get to this level and they're like, "Now I do four cities in one week" and they tour nonstop. I'm like, "No, that sounds miserable. I'll just do two weekends a month." But whenever I'm in some awful place geographically, it's no longer that awful, because you've got the Internet and television.