Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1199

People only have so much attention.

You might be a redneck if your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?

I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting eachother because they've given up on speech.

I just started a fire in a crowded movie theater. Nobody said shit.

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.

Did a gig the other night that made one of my jokes feel like Jesus because it died as a result of their sins, not mine.

I started off as a ballerina. I had to quit ballet after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men…I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. (woman in audience says “Not buying that”) No? That one, you don’t believe it? You believe that I didn’t do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I’m going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what’s described as a 'joke.' Um, I’ll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.

You might be a redneck if you think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

To wish upon a star, but from a safe enough distance to avoid being incinerated.