Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1199
You're 16 years old, you don't know shit about shit, and PULL UP YOU'RE PANTS!!!
I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.
Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'
I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.
We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.
You have to just marvel at the stun-gun absurdity of fighting to the death over what happens after you die.
I think we need to change that old saying, "I don't need a building to fall on me." Because two did and we still don't get it. I think we all stick our head in the sand as a deep human impulse.
This book is just a collection of my drawings. I never really showed them to anybody but my wife, and she always laughed at them.
Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.
I said to a guy, “Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?” And the guy said, “Well, it intensifies your personality.” And I said, “Yes, but what if you’re an asshole?”