Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1199

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

You might be a redneck if your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

You might be a redneck if Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.

Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.

That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade.

You might be a redneck if there are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships.

You might be a redneck if you've totaled every car you've ever owned.

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.