Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1199
People are always introducing me as "Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne." I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am – I'm white!
You'll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don't always win.
[In the Pharmacy] The guy turns to me -- I was in the aisle -- and he goes, 'Hey, you think I should go for the two-ply or the regular?' I was like, 'Man, if you're even thinking two-ply, maybe you shouldn't fuck her.'
You might be a redneck if any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.
You might be a redneck if you have a rag for a gas cap on a car that does run.
Did a gig the other night that made one of my jokes feel like Jesus because it died as a result of their sins, not mine.
I started off as a ballerina. I had to quit ballet after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. A lot of people get to this level and they're like, "Now I do four cities in one week" and they tour nonstop. I'm like, "No, that sounds miserable. I'll just do two weekends a month." But whenever I'm in some awful place geographically, it's no longer that awful, because you've got the Internet and television.
"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"