Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1200
You might be a redneck if your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.
I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... I come to you tonight amist a very important election between 2 very qualified candidates, the hot lady [Sarah Palin] and the Tiger Woods guy [Barack Obama] ...
Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
As we know, for centuries Rome regarded the Open Hot Turkey Sandwich as the height of licentiousness.
I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.
I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
If you suspect your baby may be a problem drinker, please call my cell phone because he sounds fun to hang out with.
I'm not a racist. It's really case by case; it's not ethnicity specific. It's just the way I react to things that are different. I think that's normal. Everyone's nervous when they're confronted with things that they don't understand or are different. That's a normal human reaction. It doesn't become racist 'til you say things like, 'Oh, there's a lot of them.'