Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1200

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

People don’t realize that the future is just now, but later.

I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

I’m no good in the morning unless I’ve had that first, hot piping pot of coffee… Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.

You realize what level of misery you have to be experiencing to see my 10-speed tied to a pole and then just be like, 'Look at this rich bastard right here!'

To wish upon a star, but from a safe enough distance to avoid being incinerated.

A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

For sanity,I just cut down my family tree.

My uncle put his finger in my no-no!

I never give advice - I give warnings to live by.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.