Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1200

When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can’t pelt them with poop.

C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time.

Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"

Don't worry, I know almost exactly what I'm doing.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

Did a gig the other night that made one of my jokes feel like Jesus because it died as a result of their sins, not mine.

Vampire fad just won’t die. Makes sense, I guess.

Nothing says used car dealership like wacky inflatable tube men writhing about in the wind

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.