Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1200
I like the way you don't like me, but still let me have sex with you because you don't like yourself.
I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.
Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.
We all feel like idiots at one time or another. Even if we feel we're cool 98 percent of the time, that 2-percent doofus is poised to take over our bodies without any warning.
On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
You know you've been listening to too much hip hop when you're response to a red light is "can't stop, won't stop son!".
Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.