Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 120
If you vote against Obama because he can't get stuff done, it’s kind of like saying 'This guy can’t cure cancer. I’m gonna vote for cancer.'
My wife is a saint. She’s Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won’t eat.
They're putting the cart before the horse on this pornography issue. Playboy doesn't cause sexual thoughts. There are sexual thoughts, and, therefore, there is Playboy. Don't you see? I know these sound like deep philosophical questions, "What came first, the hard-on or the Madonna video?" and "If a hard-on falls in the forest, do you go blind?" and "What does an atheist scream when they come?"
I still like doing stand-up now, but it's not the same. It used to be that I was out there with five other comedians. Now I usually just do it alone.
As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
I'm gonna get famous. Then when my career starts to flag, I'm gonna go into a three month fucking bender, OK? Coke, and fucking pot, and smack, and fucking booze, and drive over people, and beat up my kids, go into therapy, go into rehab, come outta rehab, be on the cover of People magazine, and go Sorry! I fucked up!
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
They're not very good at naming Popes as well. They had a run of Piuses, it went like Hollywood, they had Pope Pius the first, the second, Pope Pius the third "The revenge of Pope Pius". Pope Pius the fourth, "This time he's pissed off." Pope Pius the fifth in 3D!
You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?
If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family. I think a flashlight is more dangerous than a sparkler. My friends got M-80s, bottle rockets, ammonium nitrate, manure, a rented van. They're blowing shit up, getting things done. I'm walking around with a sparkler like the Special Olympics torch-boy.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.