Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 120
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
I'm glad I was raised by my dad for other reasons, too. There are things you can learn from a father, as a son, that you can never learn from Mom. Special things, important things. Like "never challenge Dad to a fist fight."
See, it's frivolous, superfluous products in America. Like scented toilet paper... is the dumbest thing in the world! The only thing you don't have to make smell good cause it's gonna get fucked up. Who is that smell there to impress? My thumb? If you want to impress my thumb, make it thicker in the middle.
Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.
BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles.
The worst television is MTV. 'Music Television' - they call it that, they don't even play music. How's that legal? What if everybody did that? 'Hey, thanks for calling New York Pizza.' 'Yeah, give me two large pepperoni pizzas.' 'Oh, we don't sell pizza.' 'What?' 'No, we just have raccoon hats and eye patches. Call a book store if you're hungry.'
Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.
I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!
I went to my doctor and told him, "My penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."
There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.
Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.