Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 121

I’m a black, gay woman. I think the only way to make the GOP hate me more is if I sent them a video of me rolling around on a pile of welfare checks.

Never fry bacon when you're naked.

I lost my fog machine 'cause I left it running for too long. I don't know how fog got associated with partying. 'This weather is way too dangerous to drive in. You guys want to dance?'

I always thought music was more important than sex - then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.

Politics move, as fast as Twitter, and for everyone to think that in four years America was going to be perfect is ridiculous.

People are taking the act too seriously. The Diceman character is a macho moron. It's juvenile comedy. I just like to make people laugh.

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He's always had an agent do that.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?

I have no desire to be hip to the latest black slang and do the stereotypical black thing. I was a Richard Pryor fan, and I have used profanity in my act. But when it becomes a whole thing that defines blacks, we're limiting ourselves. The enemy is us.