Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 119
Moses, who said when he came out of Mount Sinai, "The food in that hospital is terrible!" Never got a dinner!
I was watchin' the news the other day, and I heard them talking about a criminal named Brian Regan same spelling and everything. He's gonna be in jail for the rest of his life. So I'm sitting there doing a crossword puzzle and all of a sudden I hear, "It is unknown whether the charges against Brian Regan will lead to his execution." "Guess I can put this down. Honey, did we pay that parking ticket?!"
Sometimes it’s more noble to tell a small lie than to deliver a painful truth.
We have blacks and whites, Jews and Arabs, Serbs and Croats, and Filipinos and Vietnamese here. At the end of the day, everyone is each other's brother.
I have just learned that penguins are monogamous for life, which doesn't really surprise me all that much because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're going to meet a better looking penguin someday.
It's so ironic because gay bashers were the ones labeling me in high school. I try and write satire that's well-intentioned. But those intentions have to be hidden. It can't be completely clear and that's what makes it comedy.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
I really respect peple who try. People who say, "No, I’m actually going to do the best I can." That said, you want to do the best you can while remaining who you are.
Manufacturers are making products kosher to get in on that market, plus more people are looking for kosher.