Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 119
Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?
The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, "I've got one question: What color is the red phone?"
If you vote against Obama because he can't get stuff done, it’s kind of like saying 'This guy can’t cure cancer. I’m gonna vote for cancer.'
The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.
Legalize hemp and allow women to grow it and make food, clothing and housing for pennies from it and legalize marijuana too. Let women integrate their divided consciousness with a natural herb instead of doctors' pills that kill the liver.
The worst television is MTV. 'Music Television' - they call it that, they don't even play music. How's that legal? What if everybody did that? 'Hey, thanks for calling New York Pizza.' 'Yeah, give me two large pepperoni pizzas.' 'Oh, we don't sell pizza.' 'What?' 'No, we just have raccoon hats and eye patches. Call a book store if you're hungry.'
I found a grey hair in my beard the other day, and that can mean one of two things. I'm either getting old or I'm a fucking wizard!
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
And there’s others like taxidermist! You can’t just go, “Oh, I was just working at the chip shop, and I just started stuffing animals with sand,” you know? You’ve gotta want to be! “I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight.”
Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because… it's true! ‘Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is.