Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 119
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
I have just learned that penguins are monogamous for life, which doesn't really surprise me all that much because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're going to meet a better looking penguin someday.
The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!
I've never made the connection between physical pain and sexual arousal, because when we were kids my dad used to kick the shit out of us and if he saw you getting a boner - game over.
Some people even think I wear a wig. Do they think I went into a salon one day and said, "Can you please screw this up really bad?"
I can’t keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian’s husband and his friends.
Look, I made a commitment to corn 17 years ago. Sure, I'm a man. I like to go to a barbecue and see beans that I like: baked beans, red beans, black beans, big plump garbanzos. But in the end, I always come home to my sweet, sweet corn.
When you wear so many hats in society, you never know who you are. That's the beauty of it. Because once you find out who you are, you're screwed.
I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.