Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1207

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I think the idea of fucking someone who just watched you perform is... it's just not me.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death – lunch – death, death, death – afternoon tea – death, death, death – quick shower …' "

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.

I don’t have a kid. I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

You might be a redneck if you smoked during your wedding.

You might be a redneck if you can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

Many in the Senate and the Congress care more about their jobs on a watered-down bill over potential mass murders and suicides with guns.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.