Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1207

Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, "Satan is a myth... I guess".

Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.

I think the idea of fucking someone who just watched you perform is... it's just not me.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

Have you see the deer heads on the walls of bars? They have the silly party hats on. Sunglasses, streamers around their necks. Those are the ones I really feel sorry for, because obviously they were at a party having a good time…

God forbid I should have a simultaneous orgasm with anybody. My goal this year is to make love being naked.

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.

I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to get them back in.

...and there aint a goddamn thing anybody can do about it, you know why? Because we've got the bombs! That's why, yeah! Two words: NUCLEAR FUCKIN' WEAPONS! OK?!