Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1207

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

You might be a redneck if the ASPCA raids your kitchen.

I had my coathangers spayed.

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.

My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.

"You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither."

A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.