Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1208

You might be a redneck if you think Silence of the Lambs is what happens when Larry walks out to the barn.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn't be trying these things. That's ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks.

I don't believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus' words have become so perverted over time – it's been like a game of telephone. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin' kill himself.

I never give advice - I give warnings to live by.

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

Death’s vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.

I thrive on imperfection.

I think we all remember that those first months after the attack, this country really was a very different country. I think we were ready to do anything. I think we would have marched into hell behind this guy... I think nobody in a position of leadership, not the Democrats, not the president, asked anyone in this country to rethink or redo anything. The most they asked us to do was to keep the economy going, to shop and go see shows again and travel.

Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, "Satan is a myth... I guess".

Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.

You might be a redneck if your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.