Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1208
People on TV suck. If you ever meet somebody from TV, I want you to punch them right in the face. It'll probably get you on TV.
There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'
I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.
I'm not a very serious Jew. I don't wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.
I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It’s a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.
I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.
I've had two great years, probably five good years. So I had 20 years of just kind of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All these things. There's no way I'm ever going to catch up to the misery years. It's impossible... If I don't do anything dumb or I don't get a disease or something, and then I've got to five to eight years I think where it'll really be great and then it will start to degenerate like uranium, you know?
I went to Graceland. Go if you never been. Nothing like being ripped off by a dead hillbilly.