Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1208

[In the Pharmacy] The guy turns to me -- I was in the aisle -- and he goes, 'Hey, you think I should go for the two-ply or the regular?' I was like, 'Man, if you're even thinking two-ply, maybe you shouldn't fuck her.'

If you suspect your baby may be a problem drinker, please call my cell phone because he sounds fun to hang out with.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

Men are liars. We lie about lying if we have to.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

Girls in Los Angeles like to say, “I’m not relgious, but I’m spiritual.” I like to reply, “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting.”

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake...We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it."

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

I really love cursing a lot. But as I get older, I realize it’s a little unseemly for women of a certain age. But then once you pass sixty-five, you can hit it full tilt again and it’s charming. Once you’re Lauren Bacall’s age, you can be like, “What the fuck.”

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

Guys don't use the word "pretty" enough. Like, "hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you".

A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.