Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1209

You might be a redneck if you won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking or whatever,

I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.

Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!

Vengeance, is good. You give it, you get it. It's all part of what makes us human. So thank god for vengeance. Otherwise, the human race might as well just roll over and let another species for a while. I think it will be the cats. Watch 'em. They're cooking up something.

The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.

My nightmares have coming attractions.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, AND THE BLIZZARD WOULD HIT AGAIN!

Someone just told me that I enjoyed my weekend.

Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.