Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1209
Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we’re arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It’s like, there’s a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I’m going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.
The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better.
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.
Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.
Girls in Los Angeles like to say, “I’m not relgious, but I’m spiritual.” I like to reply, “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting.”
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.
It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."
I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
I'm strongly debating quitting. I don't want to create things to be angry about, I'd sooner start doing happy shit.