Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1213

I think the best thing to keep in a safe is a note that says “Nice try, asshole."

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

There's no down time any more.

America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

You might be a redneck if you're an expert on worm beds.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug...

She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

What do batteries run on?

TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.

You might be a redneck if your vehicle has a two-tone paint job - primer red and primer gray.