Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1213

Don't worry, I know almost exactly what I'm doing.

Of course, I couldn't tell the kids at school I was a transvestite. They's kill me with sticks. "Why are we killing him with sticks?" "I don't know... he said a word we didn't understand... and he won at Scrabble with it..."

Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18[gibberish]. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You"

Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It’s a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.

I wish rabbits had big earlobes.

That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat. Unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.

One of the coolest things about the word "boobs" is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?