Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1213
Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18[gibberish]. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You"
That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
You might be a redneck if you just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.
I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.
I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.
If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.
Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
[With reference to a 'how to date' book] Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.
I have my website, The Ruckus, which is an Internet site, similar to the Funny or Die format, where people post funny videos. I get a chance to rate their videos; they get a chance to blog and kick it with me.
I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.
If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.
I was in a card store and there were these cards that said "Get well soon." Fuck that! Get well *now*!