Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1213
I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.
The most dangerous drink is gin. You have to be really, really careful with that. And you also have to be 45, female and sitting on the stairs. Because gin isn't really a drink, it's more a mascara thinner. "Nobody likes my shoes!" "I made... I made fifty... fucking vol-au-vents, and not one of you... not one of you... said 'Thank you.'" And my favourite: "Everybody, shut up. Shut up! This song is all about me."
There’s nothing that beats proving you’re funny by making a funny thing, and right now there are huge outlets for that, with You Tube and all the other stuff online.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
[With reference to a 'how to date' book] Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.
I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely.'
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
I cannot believe they haven't yet come up with a better screening process than the mammogram. If a man had to put his special parts inside a clamp to test him for anything, I think they would come up with a new plan before the doctor finished saying, "Put that thing there so I can crush it.
"You can't fool the American people" - politician trying to fool the American people.