Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1214

I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece...

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, "Hey dad, wassup ?" He's thinking, "Back off, old man, this surfer carcass is mine." Of course, when his girlfriend swims up and she's like, "Way, you know, there's enough surfer for everybody. You and your dad need to frenzy together more. Leave you father a thigh."

Will Ferrell (George Bush) ... I've chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night, because quite frankly, every time I speak during the day the stock market goes in the crapper ... so sorry Asian markets, you take the hit on this one ...

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

You might be a redneck if your masseuse uses lard.

God forbid I should have a simultaneous orgasm with anybody. My goal this year is to make love being naked.

I say live and let live. That’s my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take them outside and shoot the motherfucker.

If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams

A metaphor is like a simile.

Shit just got real like Pinocchio turds

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.