Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1214

[With reference to a 'how to date' book] Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.

If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.

"You can't fool the American people" - politician trying to fool the American people.

I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.

You and I go together like energy drinks and flat brim ball caps.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.

Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.

Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think "why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility"?

You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!

When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.