Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1214
I'd deeply apologize to Richard Lewis for my offensive slurs to myself.
A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.
I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?
Life's a beautiful thing. With every passing day I have more to worry about.
I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."
Girls in Los Angeles like to say, “I’m not relgious, but I’m spiritual.” I like to reply, “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting.”
You might be a redneck if you have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."
I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.
I really love cursing a lot. But as I get older, I realize it’s a little unseemly for women of a certain age. But then once you pass sixty-five, you can hit it full tilt again and it’s charming. Once you’re Lauren Bacall’s age, you can be like, “What the fuck.”
Now the ACLU is fighting to overturn a Mississippi state law that stops homosexuals from adopting children. You know folks, I’m no expert on the subject, but if you’re gay and you’ve chosen to set up shop in Mississippi… even I’m reasonably sure you’re not equipped to adopt children, okay?
I don’t think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they’re the most direct, non-figurative words, like, ‘I like you, I like you,’… and that’s it, for the whole song. People would go, ‘Ooh, this guy’s Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.
When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is "Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too."
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.