Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1214
I saw a girl outside - had the biggest fake titties I've ever seen in my life. They were this big, with a half top with stuff written on the shirt, and I couldn't help but look at it. She got mad at me. She goes, 'What are you looking at?' I was like, 'Hey, if I stuff a balloon in my pants and paint a bulls eye on it, you might take a second freakin' peek, weirdo.'
"You can't fool the American people" - politician trying to fool the American people.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"
I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.
I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn't be trying these things. That's ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks.
I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.
I have also reviewed my own financial obligations, which have puffed up recently like a hammered thumb.
"We're in this together" usually means "I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour".
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug...
Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!
I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.