Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1216

Some people need Hell. If you’re the type of guy who sees a hooker in an alleyway and instinctively thinks, “Hey, now there’s something I could rape and kill without any consequences,” then the concept of Hell might really keep you out of trouble.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

Will Ferrell (George Bush) ... I've chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night, because quite frankly, every time I speak during the day the stock market goes in the crapper ... so sorry Asian markets, you take the hit on this one ...

You might be a redneck if you're an expert on worm beds.

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.

You might be a redneck if your vehicle has a two-tone paint job - primer red and primer gray.

I am at two with nature.

I'm strongly debating quitting. I don't want to create things to be angry about, I'd sooner start doing happy shit.

I don’t have a kid. I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

If I were blind, I’d wear a blindfold all the time.

I saw an old woman changing a flat tyre, and I walked right by, like everybody else. Then I thought what kind of person am I? So I went back and said, 'Have a nice day.'