Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1216
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy - location, location, location.
I saw a girl outside - had the biggest fake titties I've ever seen in my life. They were this big, with a half top with stuff written on the shirt, and I couldn't help but look at it. She got mad at me. She goes, 'What are you looking at?' I was like, 'Hey, if I stuff a balloon in my pants and paint a bulls eye on it, you might take a second freakin' peek, weirdo.'
It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.
Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on.
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.
It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!
I like having a cold. I get to take my favorite drug, which is NyQuil… NyQuil is 180 proof. It’s the moonshine of medicine… When I got a cold I want something that’s going to screw me up. Because that way the blur seems interesting. NyQuil comes in two colors: red and green. And it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.
I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat. Unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.
Why couldn't, uh, why couldn't have Rush Limbaugh croaked from it instead of Heath Ledger?