Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1216
The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
I've had two great years, probably five good years. So I had 20 years of just kind of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All these things. There's no way I'm ever going to catch up to the misery years. It's impossible... If I don't do anything dumb or I don't get a disease or something, and then I've got to five to eight years I think where it'll really be great and then it will start to degenerate like uranium, you know?
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy - location, location, location.
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
Now the ACLU is fighting to overturn a Mississippi state law that stops homosexuals from adopting children. You know folks, I’m no expert on the subject, but if you’re gay and you’ve chosen to set up shop in Mississippi… even I’m reasonably sure you’re not equipped to adopt children, okay?
I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.
There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who cannot.
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, "Hey dad, wassup ?" He's thinking, "Back off, old man, this surfer carcass is mine." Of course, when his girlfriend swims up and she's like, "Way, you know, there's enough surfer for everybody. You and your dad need to frenzy together more. Leave you father a thigh."
I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" "Ummmmmmm...." End of argument.
I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.