Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1216

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want.

In my life, I have driven some crappy vehicles. But I have never been so desperate for a vehicle that I wanted a used rental car.

All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.

I’ve always benefited from knowing machines well, because it’s freedom, it gives you freedom, I always knew that.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.

If your stomach blocks your view of your feet, cover it up! The only people who should be wearing belly shirts are people who don't have bellies. Now those little baby spare tires are kinda cute; tractor tires aren't! Especially if they've got hair on them!

I invented the cordless extension cord.

When I die I'll be cremated and my ashes sprinkled over my shrink's toupee.