Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1215
The biggest plus of marriage is finally realizing that we are alone.
Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, "Hey dad, wassup ?" He's thinking, "Back off, old man, this surfer carcass is mine." Of course, when his girlfriend swims up and she's like, "Way, you know, there's enough surfer for everybody. You and your dad need to frenzy together more. Leave you father a thigh."
I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.
Per capita - just about everyone has no idea what a ‘capita’ is.
Of course, I couldn't tell the kids at school I was a transvestite. They's kill me with sticks. "Why are we killing him with sticks?" "I don't know... he said a word we didn't understand... and he won at Scrabble with it..."
My movies are more popular in France than back at home. The subtitles must be great.
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
It was so important for me just to have my ex feel good in bed. The low point was when I started to sing, 'Here we go, orgasm! Here we go!' And then when it finally happened, running a victory lap - that was sad. And the high fives, wasn't that unnecessary?
I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guy's like, 'Wait a second, can I help you?' I was like, 'Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together.' And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and I'll be like, 'Do I look like I work here, chief?'
I saw a girl outside - had the biggest fake titties I've ever seen in my life. They were this big, with a half top with stuff written on the shirt, and I couldn't help but look at it. She got mad at me. She goes, 'What are you looking at?' I was like, 'Hey, if I stuff a balloon in my pants and paint a bulls eye on it, you might take a second freakin' peek, weirdo.'
I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.
I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.