Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1215
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.
I really love cursing a lot. But as I get older, I realize it’s a little unseemly for women of a certain age. But then once you pass sixty-five, you can hit it full tilt again and it’s charming. Once you’re Lauren Bacall’s age, you can be like, “What the fuck.”
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
You might be a redneck if Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
I love Cleveland. The weather just terrible there - too cold. All we want to know in Cleveland is where the hell’s all that global warming we’ve been hearing so much about. That’s all they ever do in the winter, stand outside with an aerosol can. >ssst<br />
Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.
I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.
Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I’m glad the PC police haven’t made us change March Madness to "early spring psychosis."
Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, ‘Where’s my money?’
What is the fear of the 'gay agenda' that has so upset people? Do people think that if gay people are given a place at the table, they'll be so convincing we'll all end up blowing them? What is the issue? 'You know, I'm straight, but you've made such a convincing argument...'
I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?
You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'