Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1215

Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that…shite.

The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better.

You might be a redneck if taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

So China's president Hu Jintao meets, uh - meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?"

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN.

I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.

I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.

This relationship is preventing me from becoming everything I can be as a world class masturbator. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don’t care about the films. I don’t care if they’re flushed down the toilet after I die.

There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.

Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18[gibberish]. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You"

My movies are more popular in France than back at home. The subtitles must be great.

I just always loved comedy and I really wanted to be good at it. And it was heartbreaking, 'cause I started and I wasn't good at it. I was only 17-years-old, so I had a lot to learn about life in general. But I just kept on trying. I was young enough and stupid enough and I had no other choice. I had nothing else I was good at.