Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1215
TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.
I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.
An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?
Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.
I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.
[With reference to a 'how to date' book] Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.
I cannot believe they haven't yet come up with a better screening process than the mammogram. If a man had to put his special parts inside a clamp to test him for anything, I think they would come up with a new plan before the doctor finished saying, "Put that thing there so I can crush it.
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.
"You can't fool the American people" - politician trying to fool the American people.
When I die I'll be cremated and my ashes sprinkled over my shrink's toupee.