Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1229
The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
You might be a redneck if you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake...We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it."
Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!
Have you see the deer heads on the walls of bars? They have the silly party hats on. Sunglasses, streamers around their necks. Those are the ones I really feel sorry for, because obviously they were at a party having a good time…
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Guys don't use the word "pretty" enough. Like, "hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you".
I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.