Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1229
Ever noticed that people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved?
A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!'
Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.
The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely.'
When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.
Everyone, calm down. I met with Mr. Cent about a potential project. There's nothing to report yet, I'll let you know if there is.
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
"[To a member of the audience] You look like my friend Debbie. That's really weird … do you get that a lot? [Pause] It's sad, though, 'cause you know, we're not really friends anymore. But, uh, it's not your fault. Seriously, it was 'cause she's, um … not born again Christian … oh! pathological liar."