Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1229

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.

I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc! I just took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. What should I do?" He said, "Go home, have a couple of drinks, and get some rest!!"

I was a poster child... for birth control!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

Always laugh second.

You might be a redneck if during your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.