Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1229

All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

You might be a redneck if the best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

I like my coffee like I like my women...covered in beeees!

Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.

You might be a redneck if your vehicle has a two-tone paint job - primer red and primer gray.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.

I think the best thing to keep in a safe is a note that says “Nice try, asshole."

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!'

You can't direct without a good crew.