Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1230

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient.

I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

Sleep is over rated, then again so is being awake.

Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.

Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.

A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.

Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.

I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as "not at all attracted to me".