Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1230
I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.
A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.
I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
Of course, I couldn't tell the kids at school I was a transvestite. They's kill me with sticks. "Why are we killing him with sticks?" "I don't know... he said a word we didn't understand... and he won at Scrabble with it..."
Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a Trickless magician?? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something! What tricks does this guy have? "I'm in a box...and I ain't gonna eat.". "I'm in a box...and I ain't gonna eat!!"! That ain't no trick! That's called living in the projects!
People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."
I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.
America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.