Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1230

The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'

I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not.

You might be a redneck if someone tells you you have something in your teeth, and you take them out to see what it is.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

I walked into my son's room the other day, and he's got four screens going at the same time. He's watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say "He's got ADD." Fuck that, he's multitasking.

Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn’t mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe.

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake...We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it."

If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.

You might be a redneck if you've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.