Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1230

Regarding the marching band: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

Is 'tired old cliche' one?

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

[about breath strips] Can we not suck anymore?

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

I have a dog, a lovely animal… I’m feeding him dog food that’s numbered. I’m not sure what it is, but they got it for everything. One for puppy, two for the middle dog, three for the gay dog, four for the whatever. On up. I’m looking at the can and it says on there “for the dog that suffers constipated.” The way I look at it, if you’re dog is constipated, why mess with a good thing.

According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They’ve been reading my email.

I’m hooked on email. That’s right, kids, I’m one of you.

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

I'm enjoying the work while I get it right now.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I'm endlessly amazed by what people are capable of, and incapable of.

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function.

Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.