Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1234
Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn’t mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe.
You might be a redneck if getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.
A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.
Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.
I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!
Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. And monkeys do too… if they have a gun.
Nepal is the most fun place in the world. You’ve got monkeys roaming around, cremations and animal sacrifices. And there’s no vehicle that you’re not welcome to ride on top of. The country could have been invented by Beavis and Butt-head. Even the gods have nice breasts.
It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.