Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1234
I don't know how it didn't work out. How can a man who like other men and a woman who drinks not get along? The interesting thing is: there is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minnelli.
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat. Unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.
Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. And monkeys do too… if they have a gun.
Even though it’s warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.
Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That’s where you find your voice.
The Americans want to build a big tower on the site of September the 11th. Freedom Tower they're going to call it but now apparently they're worried and they're looking at ways to try and make it terrorist proof. I think they should have just build a giant fucking mosque. No one is going to fly into that are they?! Or even better, a runway. How galling would it be to high-jack a plane, and then come in and make a fucking text book landing.
And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.
A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.