Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1234

My wife's favourite position is back to back.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

And my sex life is nothing to crow about. At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake...We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it."

I have a dog, a lovely animal… I’m feeding him dog food that’s numbered. I’m not sure what it is, but they got it for everything. One for puppy, two for the middle dog, three for the gay dog, four for the whatever. On up. I’m looking at the can and it says on there “for the dog that suffers constipated.” The way I look at it, if you’re dog is constipated, why mess with a good thing.

Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. And monkeys do too… if they have a gun.

Comedy is rarely funny.

For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

He rules the country with an iron fist - the same way he plays the piano.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.