Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1233

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

We are $14.3 trillion in debt, but the good news is we’ve got 14.3 trillion airline miles.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.

Guys don't use the word "pretty" enough. Like, "hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you".

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.