Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1233

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

I don't know how it didn't work out. How can a man who like other men and a woman who drinks not get along? The interesting thing is: there is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minnelli.

You don’t know anything about pain… You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men doing manly things: “You just killed a small animal. It’s time for a light beer.” Why not have a realistic beer commercial? ... “It’s five o’clock in the morning. You just pissed on a dumpster. It’s Miller time.”

I’m always looking for something new to say. That’s the problem with doing it for this long, thinking of what haven’t I beaten to death that I care about? You try to break yourself out of your comfort zone, because comfort is deadly for a comedian. There’s a reason why jokes start with “Don’t you hate it when…?” and not “Do you know what’s really great?”

America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

How can I die? I'm booked.

You might be a redneck if you've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.

I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, "You come back, you hear?" And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, "Just up the road apiece."