Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1233
My wife can’t cook either, forgetaboutit. At my house, we pray after we eat.
A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly.
Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. And monkeys do too… if they have a gun.
Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are woman that you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place?
I just don't feel like you're right for me... sorry, just talking to myself.
Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I’ve got to change stuff. Then I’m not doing it.
I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'
Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That’s where you find your voice.
In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.
No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
I don't know what the fuck was going on with the Scottish education board in the 1970's. It was like: 'Do you like whiskey? Do you hate kids? The job's yours.'