Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1233

If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.

I'm a nice person! I have healthy life drives and goals! I don't drink, I don't smoke. I would never force myself sexually on a blind person!

For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not.

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

I don't know how it didn't work out. How can a man who like other men and a woman who drinks not get along? The interesting thing is: there is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minnelli.

I walked into my son's room the other day, and he's got four screens going at the same time. He's watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say "He's got ADD." Fuck that, he's multitasking.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn’t mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe.

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.