Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1235

I don't know how it didn't work out. How can a man who like other men and a woman who drinks not get along? The interesting thing is: there is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minnelli.

You don’t know anything about pain… You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

You might be a redneck if getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Saying, "have a great work-out" is like saying, "I hope you pull something".

In honor of Earth Day, tonight’s program will be made up of 100 percent recycled jokes.

According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.

America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

I'm told anal sex is like Mariachi music. It hurts at first, but you get used to it, ultimately maybe even throw on a large hat and enjoy it.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn’t mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe.