Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1235

If you think a quaterhorse is that ride in front of Kmart... you might be a rednneck.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

I was a poster child... for birth control!

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

You might be a redneck if in tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"

Even though it’s warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I'm told anal sex is like Mariachi music. It hurts at first, but you get used to it, ultimately maybe even throw on a large hat and enjoy it.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.

I like having a cold. I get to take my favorite drug, which is NyQuil… NyQuil is 180 proof. It’s the moonshine of medicine… When I got a cold I want something that’s going to screw me up. Because that way the blur seems interesting. NyQuil comes in two colors: red and green. And it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

You might be a redneck if there has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

I'll bet a lot more people would use the phrase 'go fuck yourself' more often if no one needed money.