Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1241

Like many of her sex, Sophie was fiercely competitive with other women, working on the crackpot theory that if she could be better in some way, men would like her more, respect her. Make her happy. She never cottoned on that the men she was attracted to, the men who found her attractive, didn’t like women.

It’s so beautiful outside, I’m thrilled you guys took the time to come inside. On my tour for my first book, this was my favorite stop. For real. I’m not even kissing you guys’ asses.

You might be a redneck if you saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.

You might be a redneck if your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: naive.

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.

My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.

You might be a redneck if you need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

When I was in college I had this hippie girlfriend and she said, “Well, it’s like, when we make love, there’s no me and no you. Our bodies are like one continuous being.” <br /> I said, “OK, but how about paying some attention to our dick.”