Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1241

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

[Tequila] is not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.

You might be a redneck if you need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.

The sky already fell. Now what?

You might be a redneck if you saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

You might be a redneck if you're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.

I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."