Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1241
As a kid I used to wonder around the woods… because my parents would put me there.
I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
(on people who join the military) As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.
You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.
He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.
Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.
My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.