Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1240

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You don’t know anything about pain… You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

What the fuck am I doing?

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

(on people who join the military) As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.