Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1240
You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.
Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I’ve got to change stuff. Then I’m not doing it.
I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
Then you get these articles about how unhealthy life is in the city. You know; mobile phone tumours - far more likely in the city; Well you know what, so is everything else! Including sex, coffee and conversation.
In my day, girls used to get pinned in high school. That was the big thing. Now they’re getting nailed.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
It's hard to know where your thoughts come from, especially when you have a thirst for material because you need it professionally.
See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”