Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1240
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?
I don't know what the fuck was going on with the Scottish education board in the 1970's. It was like: 'Do you like whiskey? Do you hate kids? The job's yours.'
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”