Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1240

When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

I don't know what the fuck was going on with the Scottish education board in the 1970's. It was like: 'Do you like whiskey? Do you hate kids? The job's yours.'

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

I like having a cold. I get to take my favorite drug, which is NyQuil… NyQuil is 180 proof. It’s the moonshine of medicine… When I got a cold I want something that’s going to screw me up. Because that way the blur seems interesting. NyQuil comes in two colors: red and green. And it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.

You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

In my day, girls used to get pinned in high school. That was the big thing. Now they’re getting nailed.

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.