Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1242

You might be a redneck if you grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

You don’t get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.

Researchers in Britain claim they have created a gel that prevents tooth decay. We’ve got this in America. It’s called “toothpaste.”

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

I’ll tell you what I don’t like about Christmas office parties: looking for a new job afterward.

The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

You might be a redneck if when you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

I don't want to be poor. I don't want to be rich to the extent that all I care about is keeping my job. I don't care enough about keeping my job right now. That's good. That makes effective at what I do. I don't want to be frightened of getting fired. So to that end I suppose my ambitions are that I spend less than I earn.