Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1242

The sky already fell. Now what?

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.

I wasn't paying attention, what was wrong with me?

You don’t get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.

You might be a redneck if you're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

I'll bet a lot more people would use the phrase 'go fuck yourself' more often if no one needed money.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

I have never done heroin. I wouldn’t recommend heroin. But it hasn’t hurt my record collection.

I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.