Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1242
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.
You don’t get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.
I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.
My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.
I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.
You might be a redneck if you grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
You might be a redneck if your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
Researchers in Britain claim they have created a gel that prevents tooth decay. We’ve got this in America. It’s called “toothpaste.”
A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.