Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1242
You might be a redneck if you're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I’ve got to change stuff. Then I’m not doing it.
People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.
I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.
My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.
I’ll tell you what I don’t like about Christmas office parties: looking for a new job afterward.
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
The Bible, if you read it, looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs. “And then God made woman out of a rib. A rib! Look at that.”
At the end of a letter I like to write "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.
Republicans are a party with bad ideas and Democrats are a party with no ideas.