Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1249

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

You might be a redneck if your dad is also your favorite uncle.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

You might be a redneck if your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

First of all, i’m not an actor - I’m an asshole.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

People that say "I'm really sensitive" rarely are.

Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

If you ahve ever unloaded your pickup by backing up really fast and slamming on the brakes, you might be a redneck.