Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1249
You women ever look at men’s bodies like they’re meat? Ever do that when you’re alone with your girlfriends. “Look at that baby - that’s is USDA Choice Prime Cut. Mmm mmm mmm.” My body’s the part they make hot dogs out of.
I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"
I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher!
At the end of a letter I like to write "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
“Sort of” is such a harmless thing to say. But after certain things, “soft of” means everything. Like “I love you” or “You’re going to live.”
I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.
If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
My act’s not for everyone. I get on stage, I feel like I’m leading you into battle. You’re not all going to be here at the end.
My father worked for the same firm for twelve years. They fired him. They replaced him with a tiny gadget - this big - that does everything my father does, only it does it much better. The depressing thing is, my mother ran out and bought one.
I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"