Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1249

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.

You might be a redneck if your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

Have you ever thought about toothpaste? Ellen has! And she makes a point about all of the types of toothpaste that Colgate offers!

I stopped drinking when I was 17 years old because it’s not good for your health and I fell into a bonfire. Yeah, you’re done there. You don’t need AA. Falling into a bonfire is a one step program.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

“Sort of” is such a harmless thing to say. But after certain things, “soft of” means everything. Like “I love you” or “You’re going to live.”

Statistically speaking, when a woman says "I'm not going to have sex with you", she'll often have sex with you.

There’s a lot of little phrases in the language that don’t say what they mean. Take a shit is one. You don’t take a shit, you leave a shit. That’s the whole idea! To leave it!

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.