Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1249
My act’s not for everyone. I get on stage, I feel like I’m leading you into battle. You’re not all going to be here at the end.
My father worked for the same firm for twelve years. They fired him. They replaced him with a tiny gadget - this big - that does everything my father does, only it does it much better. The depressing thing is, my mother ran out and bought one.
Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!
Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.
The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself.
[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you
Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
You might be a redneck if in an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay.”... “I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further”... “This is a bridge!”