Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1248

You might be a redneck if... your home has more miles on it than your car.

Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!"

When there's time for whistling, there's a lot of time on a show.

I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay.”... “I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further”... “This is a bridge!”

I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.

You might be a redneck if your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

You might be a redneck if your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

You might be a redneck if when you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

I stopped drinking when I was 17 years old because it’s not good for your health and I fell into a bonfire. Yeah, you’re done there. You don’t need AA. Falling into a bonfire is a one step program.

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'

(on people who join the military) As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.