Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1248

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

I stopped drinking when I was 17 years old because it’s not good for your health and I fell into a bonfire. Yeah, you’re done there. You don’t need AA. Falling into a bonfire is a one step program.

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay.”... “I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further”... “This is a bridge!”

Statistically speaking, when a woman says "I'm not going to have sex with you", she'll often have sex with you.

If you’re a transvestite, you’re actually a male tomboy. That’s where the sexuality is… So it’s running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you’re up there.

There’s a lot of little phrases in the language that don’t say what they mean. Take a shit is one. You don’t take a shit, you leave a shit. That’s the whole idea! To leave it!

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

She quarreled with the nanny and accused her of brushing Misha's teeth sideways rather than up and down.

You might be a redneck if your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Have you ever thought about toothpaste? Ellen has! And she makes a point about all of the types of toothpaste that Colgate offers!