Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1248

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

My father worked for the same firm for twelve years. They fired him. They replaced him with a tiny gadget - this big - that does everything my father does, only it does it much better. The depressing thing is, my mother ran out and bought one.

I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

“No comment” is a comment.

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

If your name is ‘Christina’ and you spell it ‘Xtina’, there’s a 99% chance you’ve given your stepdad a blowjob.