Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1248

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.

At the end of a letter I like to write "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

You might be a redneck if the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

It's our flaws who make us who we are.

I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed.

Republicans are a party with bad ideas and Democrats are a party with no ideas.

She quarreled with the nanny and accused her of brushing Misha's teeth sideways rather than up and down.

People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

The Bible, if you read it, looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs. “And then God made woman out of a rib. A rib! Look at that.”

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher!