Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1250

Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!"

I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

When there's time for whistling, there's a lot of time on a show.

You might be a redneck if the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.

You might be a redneck if in an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.

If your name is ‘Christina’ and you spell it ‘Xtina’, there’s a 99% chance you’ve given your stepdad a blowjob.

The Bible, if you read it, looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs. “And then God made woman out of a rib. A rib! Look at that.”

I have no sex life. You kidding? My dog keeps watching me in the bed. He wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

You might be a redneck if your dad is also your favorite uncle.

I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.' But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an asshole out here?' They look like trees.