Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1250

I wasn't paying attention, what was wrong with me?

Statistically speaking, when a woman says "I'm not going to have sex with you", she'll often have sex with you.

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

Sex and death are two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.

Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.

My act’s not for everyone. I get on stage, I feel like I’m leading you into battle. You’re not all going to be here at the end.

I was Cesarean born. Can’t really tell. Although, whenever I leave a house I got out through the window.