Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1250
If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.
I have no sex life. You kidding? My dog keeps watching me in the bed. He wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
My father worked for the same firm for twelve years. They fired him. They replaced him with a tiny gadget - this big - that does everything my father does, only it does it much better. The depressing thing is, my mother ran out and bought one.
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"
You might be a redneck if... your home has more miles on it than your car.
I’ve never understood why they call junk mail “spam,” because spam is delicious and junk mail is annoying. But you can still find both under my couch.
A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
You might be a redneck if in an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!
I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.
Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.