Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1252

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

People that say "I'm really sensitive" rarely are.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

You might be a redneck if you consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?

Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

I was Cesarean born. Can’t really tell. Although, whenever I leave a house I got out through the window.

If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.

You might be a redneck if you look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet 'Ms. Right'

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

I used this product called “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.” Because sometimes when I’m having toast I like to be incredulous. “How was breakfast?” “Unbelievable”