Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1252
I think I let go of the need for approval, ... It certainly feels good when you get it, but I used to be more desperate for it. Once I felt better inside about myself ... I could do everything based on how I want to do things.
Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
I’ve never understood why they call junk mail “spam,” because spam is delicious and junk mail is annoying. But you can still find both under my couch.
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.
Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.
I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.
If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.
I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide".
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?