Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1252
When there's time for whistling, there's a lot of time on a show.
If you ahve ever unloaded your pickup by backing up really fast and slamming on the brakes, you might be a redneck.
“Sort of” is such a harmless thing to say. But after certain things, “soft of” means everything. Like “I love you” or “You’re going to live.”
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
I went out with a guy the other night. He goes, “You know, Chelsea, you don’t have to drink to make yourself more fun to be around.”<br /> I’m like, “Listen, fucknut, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”
I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'
"A national day of prayer"? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that it's all those dog-shit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of every war that's ever been fought is because of some made-up, mind control, completely fictional religion. You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north". No, it's because you got a silly, placebo religion cuz you don't want to admit that you don't fucking know.
Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!
I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.
When I was in college, we did mushrooms and acid… and did I mention acid?
It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher!