Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1252
I’ve never understood why they call junk mail “spam,” because spam is delicious and junk mail is annoying. But you can still find both under my couch.
If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.
I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.
I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide".
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
You might be a redneck if you consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
I used this product called “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.” Because sometimes when I’m having toast I like to be incredulous. “How was breakfast?” “Unbelievable”
"A national day of prayer"? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that it's all those dog-shit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of every war that's ever been fought is because of some made-up, mind control, completely fictional religion. You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north". No, it's because you got a silly, placebo religion cuz you don't want to admit that you don't fucking know.
Sex and death are two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.
If you ahve ever unloaded your pickup by backing up really fast and slamming on the brakes, you might be a redneck.
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."