Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 129
I got the most expensive piece of paper on your wall that don't do shit. I'll tell you what I did with mine: I took it down, I shredded it, I stomped on it, and I shredded it to a nice, fine white powder and I snorted it like cocaine. I packaged the rest and sold it to some white girls.
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
What's real? What's not? That's what I do in my act, test how other people deal with reality.
We presumed a certain intelligence on the audience, that they knew something about Sir Walter Raleigh, or about Abraham Lincoln, or the Wright Brothers.
I was talking to Jesus, and I said, "Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me." And Jesus looked at me and said, "You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell."
My comedy is unapologetic and fearless. Like, sometimes you'll wind up having condomless sex with someone that you probably shouldn't. I'm interested in sharing that part of myself unapologetically so that other people will hopefully feel better.
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
It's easy to love somebody. Shit, sit with them a little bit and talk to them a while.
I have this dream life where I get to be a celebrity but I get to navigate the world fairly easily because I'm always in character.
I don't think my mom’s racist, but I think she's old fashioned, you know? And she doesn't know how to, like, talk about it with me. She's like, 'Dat Phan, you like the soup? Eat the soup. Right there. You like the soup? Why you date the white girl?'
According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.