Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 129
They're turning kids into slaves just to make cheaper sneakers. But what's the real cost 'cause the sneakers don't seem that much cheaper. Why are we paying so much for sneakers when they're made by little slave kids? What are your overheads?
"It's the violence in the media that's the problem..." No, the problem is a lot of your kids are dicks and you won't do shit about it.
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. "Francis" was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of "Pope Boo Boo."
Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. "In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran."
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
How exactly do they prove that you've been masturbating? Do they dust for prints?
I had a breakup. I decided that I wasn't going to do the sort of routines I was doing anymore. So I went to work, trying to develop the thing I do now.
Just got a new car - got a little Miata convertible. Pretty happy about it, except for one thing: I'm 6-foot-6, so now I look like a McDonald's toy.
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
My wife is a saint. She’s Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won’t eat.
Madonna's got one big choice. Take a couple of years off and become a human being.